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Impale Me Once, Shame On You… – Bike Snob NYC

October 23, 2025
in Cycling
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Is anywhere secure from the scourge of e-bikes? Apparently not. In reality even purchasing at Walmart could be dangerous as of late:

Happily the sufferer didn’t want medical consideration, and the rider was launched to a mother or father:

Folsom residents are saying they’re fed up with shut calls involving e-bike riders after the latest incident noticed a rider knocking over a girl inside Walmart.

It occurred Monday night time contained in the Walmart on Riley Road. In line with Folsom police, it was unintentional and the lady who was hit didn’t wish to press any expenses or search medical consideration.

The 18-year-old rider was issued a proper trespassing warning and was launched to a mother or father.

The story doesn’t specify whose mother or father it was, so I assume it’s merely Walmart coverage to launch teen miscreants to the closest one.

It takes a village…or a minimum of a Walmart.

After all the suitable response to an e-bike incident is at all times to deflect and to “However automobiles!” the state of affairs. In any case, motorists do appear to have an uncanny knack for crashing into Dunkin’ Donuts:

In reality it’s nearly as if automobiles are outfitted with a security characteristic that steers them proper into the closest one within the occasion of a lack of management.

However whereas a automotive can simply infiltrate the flimsy prefab construction that’s your native Dunkin’ Donuts franchise, you’re fully secure from drivers inside the impregnable fortress that could be a Walmart.

Oh, wait…

Nonetheless, on the brilliant aspect, you don’t actually have to fret about getting killed by a driver inside a Walmart as a result of likelihood is you received’t even survive the parking zone:

In the meantime, right here in New York, in the event you’ve bought an e-bike you’d higher flog that motor whilst you can, as a result of the brand new pace restrict will quickly go into impact:

Sure, that’s proper, e-bikes will now be restricted to fifteen American Freedom Miles Per Liberty Hour, identical to in Europe the place they’ll solely go 25 Socialist Miles Per Welfare State Work Week:

As soon as carried out, the 15 mph pace restrict for e-bikes, e-scooters, and pedal-assist business bicycles will match the identical pace restrict that presently applies to stand-up e-scooters. The brand new rule mirrors finest practices for e-bike speeds in lots of different areas of the world, together with the European Union, which has carried out pace restrictions for e-bikes of 25 kilometers-per-hour (roughly 15 mph) in bike lanes.

It is a darkish day for vape bros who get pleasure from driving round on enormous batteries with wheels connected to them, although presumably finance bros in MAAP jerseys will stay free to exceed 15mph on their pedal-powered Fred machines:

[Via here.]

Professional tip from an getting old Fred: at all times maintain your telephone in your center pocket so that you don’t get the entire “hanging jowl” impact together with your aspect pockets:

You need the heavy stuff within the center and the sunshine stuff on the edges. It’s simply science.

At any price, it’s been amusing to look at the advocates’ messaging evolve as motorized autos have taken over the bike community. At first it was, “They’re not the enemy, they’re solely doing it ’trigger they’re scared!”

In case you had been compelled to make use of a moped—say, as a result of your more and more troublesome job as a supply driver required it—would you follow the comparatively secure bike lanes, or take your possibilities on the lethal, potholed-riddled streets with the entire huge steel containers going a lot quicker than you?

However now they admit it’s a drawback:

However the issue is persons are confused, or Trump, or one thing:

And Mayor Adams has added to the confusion, launching a legal crackdown on authorized e-bikes that has ensnared all types of cyclists, as Streetsblog has documented. Specialists have argued that the Trump-friendly administration has used the notion of e-bike “chaos” to justify a crackdown that permits the NYPD to focus on the largely immigrant supply work pressure.

However the primary confusion proper now comes from autos that appear like bikes, are operated like mopeds, however can attain bike speeds.

You understand how when a child throws a tantrum and screams, “I want I’d by no means been born!” regardless that they don’t actually imply it? That’s how I really feel concerning the bicycle community. “I want they’d by no means constructed it!,” I’m tempted to scream. I don’t actually imply it, however it’s remarkably infuriating how shortly all of the bicycles have been changed with utter crap–although perhaps as an alternative of whining about it I ought to simply give up and get a luxurious e-gravel bike as an alternative:

I’m fairly certain Pard Impervia was the Voivode of Wallachia after Vlad the Impaler:

[Pard Impervia, the Voivode of Wallachia]

By the best way, the Impaler could be an apt title for an e-bike.

As for Pard, they’ve a complete line of electrified Y-Foils:

I assume you may say that Pard took the previous beam bike idea and type of re-Parded it by including a motor:

Now that’s what I name re-Parded.

Although it’s also possible to go “nation gentleman” if that’s your factor:

And there’s even a video brimming with previous world crafstmanship porn:

Full with Italian artisans mixing paint:

Take a look at him opening that crabon mildew identical to they used to do within the previous days:

It’s like he’s baking a loaf of bread and never crafting a hideous battery-powered douche missile.

And wait, is {that a} wood saddle?!?

I’m not an engineer, so I’d be thinking about studying extra about the way you make a battery with these items:

Aw, screw it, I’m simply getting one among this stuff for the Plimpton Bike:

Hopefully it arrives earlier than the brand new pace restrict does.

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