Stay Horsty My Friends – Bike Snob NYC

I’d hate to speak right down to you…

…however because the TD 5 Boro Bike Tour’s spokesdoofus I ought to remind you that this Sunday is the massive day:

I used to be all set to put waste to the trip aboard George Plimpton’s Y-Foil, a.ok.a. The Charity Experience Destroyer…

…however my spouse shall be becoming a member of me this yr and he or she actually doesn’t deserve that, so as a substitute I shall be using a much more civilized bicycle, sorry.

By the way in which, I might have forgotten the trip was this weekend myself, besides I lately discovered myself in THE CAR THAT I OWN and all of the digital freeway indicators have been warning motorists of the approaching avenue closures…which they’ll both ignore or overlook about till Sunday after they discover themselves sitting in visitors cursing that “goddam bicycle race.” (Each members and non-participants alike labor beneath the collective delusion that the TD 5 Boro Bike Tour is in actual fact a race.)

So what was I doing within the automobile? Properly, that’s my enterprise (okay positive, I needed to dump a physique, “bike blogger” is the best cowl for knowledgeable hitman), however whereas I used to be on the market burning fossil gas and crossing bridges I labored in a visit to the mountain bike trails in Hempstead Harbor Woods in Port Washington:

I’d been curious to trip these trails since they opened in (I consider) 2019 but it surely’s onerous to justify all of the visitors and tolls between right here and Lengthy Island simply to knock round within the woods on a motorcycle for an hour or two, particularly when I’ve such an abundance of trails inside simple using distance of my dwelling–none of which, I ought to add, are beneath any form of digicam surveillance (at the very least so far as I do know):

In actual fact there have been at the very least two cameras skilled on me as I perused the map:

See?

Presumably these are to thwart vandals and folks on ATVs, which I’m all in favor of (I imply I’m in favor of thwarting them, I’m not in favor of them), however I hoped I wouldn’t run afoul of each CLIMB and the City of Hempstead for using a 31 year-old suspension bicycle, which in all probability violates a number of native ordinances in addition to my very own anti-suspension ethos:

Talking of the map, it doesn’t require a lot in the way in which of perusal, as a result of it’s nearly unimaginable for anybody over the age of six to get misplaced in right here:

This fits me simply positive, as a result of as an inveterate metropolis slicker (some even say probably the most legit metropolis slicker in all of the land) with even much less spare time than I’ve out of doors survival expertise I’ve no tolerance in any way for wayfinding or orienteering of any type. Whether or not it’s a mountain bike path or a dentist’s workplace I wish to know precisely after I’ll be getting out of there so I gained’t be late to my subsequent appointment. (And you’ll overlook tenting; the one manner you’ll discover me sleeping in a tent is that if this metropolis will get struck by a pure catastrophe and FEMA forces me into one.) Looking back, for this reason I raced bicycles for therefore a few years–not as a result of I used to be good at it (I emphatically wasn’t) or as a result of I used to be overly aggressive (I’m emphatically a giant “woosie“), however slightly as a result of the races began at like 6am and I knew I’d get a full day’s using in earlier than most individuals have been even awake.

Is the grass at all times greener on the opposite aspect? I might say so. It’s additionally sandier. For years the closest trails to me have been the graceful, sandy trails of Lengthy Island, and I longed for extra. Then I moved to my present abode, from which I can trip to much more various and difficult terrain–and but I now discover myself lacking the form of quick, twisty, rollicking trails of which Hempstead Harbor Woods is sort of completely comprised:

I suppose every part feels form of magical right now of yr, however I discovered this diminutive little park each pleasant and enchanting:

And on the mainland you merely don’t discover trails that offer you that exhilaratingly easy marble run feeling:

The AMP was a very good match for them, too:

These are compact trails with little to overwhelm a 26-inch wheel, and this can be a compact bike–although a singlespeed may be much more enjoyable right here: