I at all times do my greatest to finish the week on a optimistic observe (that’s a complete lie, at no level have I ever made a concerted effort to strike a optimistic observe at any level within the week), so I hope you’ll be part of me in celebrating the protected return of lacking gravel biker Ralph Sawyer, who I had no concept was even lacking till I noticed this text:
Apparently he’d been lacking since July eleventh, which is a very long time, even for a gravel experience:
Oregon’s Clackamas County Sheriff’s Workplace introduced at present (July 17) that gravel biker Ralph Sawyer, who has been the topic of an intensive search within the Mount Hood Nationwide Forest since July 11, is protected and at residence.
“It was reported to the Sheriff’s Workplace that he discovered his automobile on East Nonetheless Creek Street and drove it again to his residence in Gresham,” the CCSO mentioned in a information launch. “Mr. Sawyer confirmed as much as a neighbor’s home drained, chilly, soiled, and worn out. Gresham Police confirmed it was him and he was transported to an area hospital to be checked out.”
Should you’re an beginner biking sleuth then little question you instantly thought you had it found out: clearly he should have headed out for a gravel experience on a motorbike not particularly designed for gravel, proper? Nevertheless, a fast scan of the sheriff’s workplace updates disproves that idea:
Actually they verify that his bike was “particularly designed for gravel roads:”
The search and rescue mission to find lacking mountain biker Ralph Sawyer within the Mount Hood Nationwide Forest is constant at present, Monday, July 14, 2025. Mr. Sawyer was reported lacking late Friday evening after not getting back from a deliberate mountain biking journey utilizing a motorbike particularly designed for gravel roads.
Although they do name it a “deliberate mountain biking journey,” which does suggest he may have been “underbiking.” Given this, it will even be useful to know the next:
Did the bike have suspension?
Did the bike have a dropper submit?
What strain was he working?
Did the bike have a kind of built-in downtube compartments, and in that case was he capable of crawl into it and search shelter at evening?
Was he adequately hydrated due to cutting-edge French lactation know-how?
Regardless of the case, it’s abundantly clear he was not driving a correct gravel car:
His blue Kia Soul along with his mobile phone inside was situated by search groups in a car parking zone after midnight on July 12, however no different clues had been found within the six days Sawyer was lacking. The search concerned a number of businesses, volunteers, pararescuers from the Portland Air Nationwide Guard and a Hood River Sheriff’s Workplace search aircraft. The search space spanned some 250 miles.
I’m sorry, what?!?
Certain, they might present it on gravel, however certainly not do you have to ever try and drive to a gravel experience in a car like this. Anybody who reads the Desert Hipster Web site is aware of the one acceptable car for graveling is a classic Toyota product reminiscent of a Land Cruiser, a Lexus constructed on the Prado platform, or maybe a Tacoma. These succesful automobiles are capable of deal with the kind of terrain that will be simply as simply traversed in a Subaru Crosstrek, with the added benefit of burning far more gasoline.
Much more putting is that this:
His blue Kia Soul along with his mobile phone inside was situated by search groups in a car parking zone after midnight on July 12
This man is married? To a girl? And he didn’t have his telephone on him whereas he was using?!?
I don’t imply to be heteronormative while speaking about Oregonians, however that’s not how a well-trained male bike owner behaves.
In any case, the search apparently spanned 250 miles, so we will at the very least make sure he wasn’t using the brand new $14,000 Pinarello DOGMA GR since you possibly can’t even go 200 miles on it:
It’s additionally potential he tried to Jesus-carry his bike, however as a result of he didn’t have the brand new Grizl he as a substitute bought trapped beneath it:
Or he might have merely gotten a flat and it took him seven days to get the goddamn tubeless tire seated.
However the largest query of all is what occurs with the GoFundMe cash:
A GoFundMe web page has raised almost $16,000 for Sawyer’s search. It’s unclear what’s going to develop into of those funds. The web page creator posted July 17: “***THE BEST OUTCOME*** After 6 days and nights, Ralph made it again to his automobile, drove himself residence, and arrived at a neighbor’s home drained, chilly, soiled, and worn out. He’s at an area hospital being checked out. The desire to stay is powerful on this one. The help this neighborhood confirmed Marci and her household throughout this time is actually superb. From search and rescue, emotional help, prayers, and financially by way of this GoFundMe. Thanks all a lot! Time to exhale with reduction and have a good time LIFE.”
Nicely, the brand new Pinarello DOGMA GR that may’t go 200 miles is just $14,000. So if he buys a kind of it ought to hold him out of hassle sooner or later. Both that, or he ought to simply purchase a used Subaru Crosstrek.
Simply don’t depart your telephone in it.
